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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Adulation


Sam watched as his brother cut open his wife, more of her blood squirted from her body on the floor in the operating room. Her blood pressure was dangerously low, and occasionally she stopped breathing. He didn’t know what he was going to do if he lost her. The only thing that kept running through his mind was how afraid he was, and she had to make it.
He watched as they pulled his daughter from his wife, her tiny body covered in mucus and blood. He wanted to stare at her longer but his brother caught his attention. He began pounding on Vicky’s chest, the line on the heart monitor was still and flat. Sam held his breath as he watched his brother pump Vicky’s heart. The seconds passed like hours, sweat dripping down Sam’s face his own heart was still in his chest. He couldn’t look away from her beautiful face, she looked beautiful even as she was dying. Sam felt a prickly ball form at the back of his throat, the tears building behind his eyes. She had to live, she was the love of his life the one thing that kept him alive. God wouldn’t take away the precious gift he gave to Sam, he couldn’t.
Chris suddenly stopped pumping on Vicky’s chest, still holding his breath Sam stood motionless watching his brother and then following his gaze to the monitor. To everyone’s surprise there was a small blip on the screen, it moved up and down slowly and softly but it was enough for Chris. He wiped his head with the back of his hand gazing up at the observatory to his brother. Sam wanted to smile, he wanted to give his brother thumbs up but he know it wasn’t over yet. But he mouthed “Thank you” to his brother anyway.  Chris nodded in acceptance then left the room while they sewed up Vicky. Her arms had tubes with her blood type running through her veins. A nurse changed yet another empty blood bag out for another one. Chris came inside the observatory joining Sam, as he watched them clean up Vicky.
“The baby is healthy, the pediatrician is looking her over and she’ll be in the nursery.”
“Vicky?” he asked keeping his eyes on his wife.
“She has lost a lot of blood Sam, it was a good thing I was in the neighborhood. We gave her six transfusions, and I am sure that will be enough once she starts clotting.”
“Is she going to wake up?”
“I know she is going to wake up but I don’t know when. Her body needs to recuperate from her blood loss, I don’t know how long that will take.”
“You did what you could.” Sam whispered.
Sam knew his brother tried had his hardest; it was up to Vicky now. Vicky had to want to live, she needed to fight for her own life. Yet Sam couldn’t get passed how this was his fault, he was the one who asked her to start a family with him. They didn’t have to do that now, they were still newlyweds, there was time but after Amy’s baby he yearned to share his love of Vicky with a baby that belonged to the both of them. The hot tears began to fall down the sides of Sam’s face, he watched the orderlies taking Vicky out of the operating room and to her private room. Chris pressed his hand against his brother’s back, and without a second thought Sam buried his face in his brother’s chest wrapping his arms around his neck, Chris wrapped his arms around Sam’s waist. Chris let his brother cry, and Sam was grateful he had been holding his breath for so long. He was still covered in Vicky’s blood; her face had been so vacant when he held her. She was so pale, her cheeks were sunken in and her eyes were even more grey then they naturally were. He shivered when he touched her, she had been so cold, but he didn’t have time to grab a blanket for so he had the heater on blast. Sam racked his brain for all the things he had done, wondering if they were what he should have done. His training and education had taught him what to do, and he had done it several times when he needed but why did he run a blank when it came to his wife. Had he failed her, if something happened to her would it be his fault?
The next day Sam ran a soft sponge along Vicky’s body. She still had left over blood on her stomach and legs from last night’s delivery. The bubbles lathered along her skin, popping as soon as his sponge back tracked along her legs. The patch along her stomach was long and wide, but he knew the actual wound was smaller. He would remove the bandage in a few days. The diluted iodine and blood ran in streaks down her skin landing gently on the towel underneath her on the bed. Once Sam was done washing one area of her body he covered it and started another section. Vicky was absolutely radiating, even in a coma. The tube in her mouth actually complemented her beauty. The matted greasy hair around her head didn’t hurt her beauty at all either. The different tubes in her arms were almost like jewelry accenting her not taking anything away.
Sam couldn’t feel anything at this point, he felt completely numb. His heart had been broken and immediately he closed the door to his feelings but as he washed her, and felt her smooth skin under the sponge he felt his heart tearing into even smaller pieces. The prickly ball in the back of his throat grew larger with each swallow. How could this have happened? She had been through so much in the past two years. Losing a baby then when he met her then she lost her mother. She had denied her depression when she finally moved permanently to England. It wasn’t until he found her crying in the kitchen that she admitted her pain.  After they got married she pushed the sadness deep within her, she seemed different, a shadow of herself. He had hoped that would change once they were settled in England. In the beginning he would hold her tightly in his arms night after night without fail she’d weep. Vicky made sure to remind him how important he was to her and how much she loved him. Even though he knew it still bothered her. She made a promise to talk about it and she did. They grew closer together then either had expected. She opened up to him as she had never opened up before, and him to her. Sharing with him memories of her mother that were precious to her, these were small mild stones. In turned Sam opened up for the first time in five years about his precious memories of his parents.  Admitting to her and only her of the time he had been arrested for beating a cop to a bloody pulp. He had been so lost then, his college sweetheart had left him for another man, his grades were slipping. His dad had been disappointed in him but when he had managed to get arrested Sam’s father was there throughout it all. Hiring the right lawyer, getting Sam the help to pass his exams and the right people to talk about his problems to when he couldn’t talk to his dad. After some community service and hard work he graduated with honors. Regaining the respect of his father, and it wasn’t until after he met Vicky that he realized he had no idea what love really was. Vicky was the only person he had ever really loved, and would always be.
Sam blinked pushing the memories of the early months of his young marriage aside. He finished getting Vicky dressed and started her exercises. Moving her knee towards her chest then lying it flat before starting over again. The arms were next, he wrapped a 1 ½ pound wrist weight along her wrist and began working her arms. First bending at the elbow then raising it towards the ceiling and ending with laying it at her side.
He combed her hair back once it had dried completely. Then his eyes landed on her sleeping face, and the prickly ball in his throat reformed. He couldn’t contain himself anymore, the tears began to fall down the sides of his face in hot streaks.
“You promised.” He whispered. “You promised never to leave.”
Sam wanted to be angry with her, angry with himself. Most of all he wanted to punch the wall in front of him, but it was all pointless. What would it do make him feel better? No, the pain would still be there and she would still be asleep.
After taking a few deep breaths and regaining his composure he kissed her on the cheek. She felt so warm and full of life he removed his lips taking a seat on the edge of the bed reaching for her favorite book Pride and Prejudice.
“It is universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” He read aloud.
He read aloud the book that he witnessed made her cry the dozens of times she read it around him. how she bounced with excitement as though it was the first time she read it, as she waited for Darcy and Elizabeth to admit their feelings for one another. The anticipation she had in her eyes as she waited patiently for them to get their act together.
“Mr. Winters?” Nurse Barbara said entering the room.
Sam turned his head towards the door, he hoped his eyes were no longer red or glossy from the tears he had shed.
“Mrs. Winters’ doctor, Dr. Livingston is at the nurse’s station for you.”
Sam thought it over in his mind if he wanted to talk to the Dr. Livingston. After tossing the idea around for a second Sam rose from his chair he took a couple of steps towards the door before he stopped. Panic hit him like a freight train, washing away just as quickly when Barbara said she would sit with Vicky.
Sam watched his heavy feet take turns hitting the ground pulling him towards a very sour looking Dr. Livingston. The doctor held his hand out for Sam to shake. After Sam took his hand back he shoved both of them deep into his pockets of his jeans. Mostly because he had nothing else to do with them.
“I am sorry about Vicky.” He smiled.
Sam shuffled his weight from foot to foot by shifting his body from side to side slightly. Dr. Livingston irritated him, if it wasn’t for Vicky he would have never known him. After what he had fished up about the good doctor his skin crawled, but Vicky insisted. It was wrong of Sam but he made Chris sign on as her secondary physician, little did she know Chris was her primary. He had to do it behind her back, she wouldn’t allow Chris to touch her but it made him feel better.
Sam chewed on the inside of his cheek, wishing the doctor would get to his point so he could return to his wife.
“I wanted to formally tell you that I will no longer be acting as Mrs. Winter’s doctor.”
Sam nodded sharply, but he felt relieved he wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.  His eyes darted towards Dr. Livingston’s bushy white eyebrows.
“I hear the baby is well.”
“Yes, she is lovely.”
Small talk, Sam didn’t want anything to do with it.
Dr. Livingston smiled and nodded averting his attention away from Sam. Sam returned his attention to his shoes, lifting the toe of his right foot, something he used to do when he was a child during a lecture from his father.
“Give my regards will you old boy?” Dr. Livingston smiled with raised eyebrows. He waited a moment then he turned on his heal walking away from Sam. Afterward Sam began to huff a few deep breaths then headed back to Vicky’s room. Mindlessly he took his seat next to her bed, watching without paying attention as Barbara left the room. The only noise came from Vicky’s breathing machine and heart monitor. After a while Sam’s eyelids dropped and his head slumped over to the side. He hadn’t realized how tired he was, actually he under estimated it.