Thursday, April 18, 2013
A Broken Heart
I'm not in the very best of moods, actually I feel like crying. I don't want to come off as some kind of baby trying to get some sympathy but I need to vent. Just when I thought things were getting better for myself and my family I have been hit with a nuclear bomb. (a bit dramatic I know) Suddenly my world is literally turned upside down and I have to do things I don't want to do. I have to move to a place I can't stand and literally find myself wanting to take my own life just at the mere thought of being there. This place is where I grew up, and I know most people feel this way about their home towns. However this place is different.
I first moved there when I was nine. My original home had been just fine and I didn't want to leave it. In fact I have been spending the better part of my adult life trying to get back there. So many horrible things happened to me the moment I woke up the next day after arriving. Starting with the teasing of my accent, along came the isolation I felt because I was different from those around me. I didn't know anyone and found it hard to actually make friends. When I did make friends things went a little better, until I realized my friends were not the people I needed them to be. Family life was not supportive, in fact I was down right ignored. I was picked on at school for being the new girl, the girl who guys talked to. Really the boys only paid attention to me because I was new, but I didn't know that then and neither did the girls who picked on me.
Pushing the story along a bit, a few things in between happened that my family still doesn't know about. That single event is what filled me with undying need to get out of that hell hole. To this day my skin itches, my stomach is in knots and my anxiety is through the roof when ever I am asked to visit. Nothing I can do aside from prescribed medication helps me from freaking out if I say there too long. I have tried to explain how I always felt as though I never belonged in this town, how I was a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.
As things feel overwhelming for me, I can't imagine how my other half is feeling. My heart truly is broken for him. He has tried so hard to be a good person, has worked even harder to be the man he wants to be. Yet life always seems to have a sick sense of humor. I also feel horrible about my child having to go to school there for a short while. It sickens me that he might have to endure what I had to endure. Granted I know very well that my situation could have happened anywhere, but I also believe if I had a better support system things might have been different.
There is so much more I want to vent about, not just about myself but about my poor family and how they must be feeling. I feel so helpless, but at the same time I feel that I've shared enough. I hope and I pray that things will look up soon. My best friend tells me that there might be a blessing in all of this, and I want to believe that even if nothing good ever happened to me when it came to that place.